Personal Log: FO Cmdr. Paul Velden

There was a staff meeting today, as I indicated in my previous log. It turns out that the Odyssey is assigned to explore the KPS Star cluster near the Federation border. Two pulsars are about to fuse, and we will be there to witness the spectacular event. I am looking forward to what will undoubtedly be an interesting and relaxing mission.

At the staff meeting, something happened which I hadn't expected. I got promoted to Commander. Apparently I have proven myself to be a leader -- a commander, in the literal sense of the word -- and Captain Bennek and Commander Denebris have acknowledged that and promoted me for it.

This brings me to the conclusion that, despite my doubts, I do have what it takes to command a ship and crew. Yesterday, on the starbase, I had a talk with Denebris, and he told me that I needed to be more sure of myself. I keep telling myself that I am indeed worthy to be a Commander, and that the Captain and first officer have made the right decision in promoting me... But I still have doubts about my ability to command. Granted, this promotion does show that I really have it in me to be a Commander, but... I don't know. I just need to accept that fact myself. I am sure I will learn to accept that, and to be more confident about my abilities, in time.

Sekar and T'jal -- They are never going to believe this. The last time I contacted them and told them about my promotion to second officer and Lieutenant Commander, they wanted to convince me that I was too "emotionally unstable" to serve in Starfleet, let alone have a position such as 2O. They said I was a danger to the crew and to myself; something they have been telling me from the moment I left Vulcan to join Starfleet. They even contacted Starfleet to inform them that I needed to return to Vulcan, and that I was unfit for duty. Can you believe it? It's insane! They have no right to do that to me... They're trying to get me kicked out of Starfleet! They want me back at Vulcan, to put me through training again. Shouldn't that be *my* decision? They want to destroy my career!

Argh, here I go again. I guess my outburst just proved that I am indeed emotionally unstable. No wait, I am not. No matter what my foster parents tell me, I am human and I have human emotions. I have grown so much since I left Vulcan; I have become more human, so to speak. I will not let Sekar and T'jal take my career or my human emotions away from me. I will fight them, if I have to.

I have not heard anything from Starfleet about the matter yet. I have not made any attempts at contacting them, either. I guess I'm afraid that if I contact Starfleet, they will inform me of their decision... My career could be over then. But I remind myself constantly that if Starfleet had indeed reached its decision, they would contact me. If their decision is to kick me out of the fleet, they would inform me of that. Starfleet isn't in the habit of having incapable officers serving as 2Os on their starships. They have not contacted me, so for the moment I am relatively safe, I believe.

I keep reminding myself that Captain Bennek and Commander Denebris will, if asked, make it clear to Starfleet that they have confidence in me, like they have shown me as well. I keep telling myself that Starfleet won't just discharge me based on an unfounded statement by two Vulcans. I'm a Commander, for crying out loud! That's got to mean something.

Actually, it does mean something. It means that the confidence my Captain and first officer have put in me is not undeserved. I have been promoted because I am a capable officer who, on the last mission, has commanded the ship well... At least I think so. Now to convince my foster parents of that.

Well, there's still much work for me to do... I'm still an Engineer too, after all. End Log.