Personal Log: FO Cmdr. Paul Velden

Some birthday this is turning out to be. I don't even know where to begin to describe this day so far, and there are still a lot more hours to this day. I suppose I'll just start from the beginning.

Right. Well, this morning, I went to engineering, as I usually do. It was my shift, after all, and as CEO I had to be there. I was in my office, drinking coffee, when the computer told me there was an incoming subspace message... for me.

To my surprise, it turned out to be Admiral Morgana from Starfleet Command. Imagine that, an Admiral calling me! She called me to inform me about Starfleet's decision concerning my foster parents' complaint against me. I don't want to go into it again in great detail, but suffice it to say that my foster parents had decided that I wasn't capable of being a Starfleet officer, let alone a Commander and Second Officer of a Starship. So they filed a complaint, after which Starfleet launched an investigation to determine whether my foster parents were right about me.

I'm pleased to say that the Admiral told me there was nothing to worry about. Starfleet has concluded that I am as fit to be in Starfleet as anyone else on the ship. That means that I will not get kicked out of Starfleet, fortunately. I can't begin to express my relief in this matter. Of course I will have to contact my foster parents soon, to either inform them of Starfleet's decision myself or to, well, simply talk to them. I do not look forward to that at all.

But I suppose it can wait. The real reason of Admiral Morgana's call was not solely to inform me of Starfleet decision regarding the complaint. Apparently, the USS Atlantis needs a First Officer, and Starfleet wants me to be it. I can hardly believe it myself... First Officer of a Starship!

And not just any Starship. I did some checking, and it seems the Atlantis is stationed in the Gamma Quadrant. Talk about exploring the frontier!

In an uncharactaristically impulsive reply, I gave the Admiral my answer: I accepted. Starfleet wants me on the Atlantis in less than a month, so I'll be leaving the ship relatively soon. Leaving the Odyssey behind is something I never dreamt of; I am... was... happy here on the ship, 'simply' being 2O/CEO, but now it seems I'm going to leave both the Odyssey and my engineering career behind.

I can't say I don't have any mixed feelings about this transfer. My transfer is going to leave the Odyssey short one 2O/CEO. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, Lieutenant Byrne has been offered the position of Second Officer on board the USS Valkyrie. This leaves the Odyssey without a Second Officer, CEO and STC. Now, Captain Bennek says there will be a replacement for Lieutenant Byrne; apparently a Lieutenant Commander called Nerfertii -- coincidentally, he's from the Atlantis -- will become STC here. He'll take over the 2O position too. But Starfleet won't be sending a CEO, so I suppose Ensigns Jorgahn and Alenis will be a bit busier than normal.

I don't understand how Starfleet can do this. We're understaffed as it is already. Taking crew away from an understaffed vessel is, in this engineer's opinion, never a good idea. But, in all honesty, from what I understand, the Atlantis is in an as bad or even worse shape than the Odyssey. They desperately need more crew, and that's where I come in.

Well, the Atlantis it is. The Odyssey's going to bring me to Deep Space Nine, where we -- I mean, they -- will be picking up their new Second Officer and STC. I'm really going to miss this ship. Since a month or two, I have begun to see it as *my* ship, even though of course I was only in charge of the engines. Still, what is a ship without her engines, hmm? And, of course, as 2O, I was also in charge of the crew, more or less. So I don't think it's silly or anything that I thought, and still think, of the Odyssey as my ship. Not only my ship, but my home too.

I suppose that the reality is that I will soon see the Atlantis as my ship... and my home. But I'll never forget the Odyssey.

It's all happening so fast, but that doesn't mean it's not a good thing that I'll be FO. I know I can do it, and I'll make the best of it. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I'm looking forward to it. First Officer of a Starship in the Gamma Quadrant... Whew. That's something.

Lots of things have happened in the past few months, and I have grown to a point where I do indeed have it in me to become First Officer, as arrogant as that may sound. Becoming First Officer isn't something I thought I would be one day, but now it seems as if I am going to be one... And it's going to be great. I just know it. At the very least, it's one hell of a birthday present.

End Log.

There was a staff meeting today, as I indicated in my previous log. It turns out that the Odyssey is assigned to explore the KPS Star cluster near the Federation border. Two pulsars are about to fuse, and we will be there to witness the spectacular event. I am looking forward to what will undoubtedly be an interesting and relaxing mission.

At the staff meeting, something happened which I hadn't expected. I got promoted to Commander. Apparently I have proven myself to be a leader -- a commander, in the literal sense of the word -- and Captain Bennek and Commander Denebris have acknowledged that and promoted me for it.

This brings me to the conclusion that, despite my doubts, I do have what it takes to command a ship and crew. Yesterday, on the starbase, I had a talk with Denebris, and he told me that I needed to be more sure of myself. I keep telling myself that I am indeed worthy to be a Commander, and that the Captain and first officer have made the right decision in promoting me... But I still have doubts about my ability to command. Granted, this promotion does show that I really have it in me to be a Commander, but... I don't know. I just need to accept that fact myself. I am sure I will learn to accept that, and to be more confident about my abilities, in time.

Sekar and T'jal -- They are never going to believe this. The last time I contacted them and told them about my promotion to second officer and Lieutenant Commander, they wanted to convince me that I was too "emotionally unstable" to serve in Starfleet, let alone have a position such as 2O. They said I was a danger to the crew and to myself; something they have been telling me from the moment I left Vulcan to join Starfleet. They even contacted Starfleet to inform them that I needed to return to Vulcan, and that I was unfit for duty. Can you believe it? It's insane! They have no right to do that to me... They're trying to get me kicked out of Starfleet! They want me back at Vulcan, to put me through training again. Shouldn't that be *my* decision? They want to destroy my career!

Argh, here I go again. I guess my outburst just proved that I am indeed emotionally unstable. No wait, I am not. No matter what my foster parents tell me, I am human and I have human emotions. I have grown so much since I left Vulcan; I have become more human, so to speak. I will not let Sekar and T'jal take my career or my human emotions away from me. I will fight them, if I have to.

I have not heard anything from Starfleet about the matter yet. I have not made any attempts at contacting them, either. I guess I'm afraid that if I contact Starfleet, they will inform me of their decision... My career could be over then. But I remind myself constantly that if Starfleet had indeed reached its decision, they would contact me. If their decision is to kick me out of the fleet, they would inform me of that. Starfleet isn't in the habit of having incapable officers serving as 2Os on their starships. They have not contacted me, so for the moment I am relatively safe, I believe.

I keep reminding myself that Captain Bennek and Commander Denebris will, if asked, make it clear to Starfleet that they have confidence in me, like they have shown me as well. I keep telling myself that Starfleet won't just discharge me based on an unfounded statement by two Vulcans. I'm a Commander, for crying out loud! That's got to mean something.

Actually, it does mean something. It means that the confidence my Captain and first officer have put in me is not undeserved. I have been promoted because I am a capable officer who, on the last mission, has commanded the ship well... At least I think so. Now to convince my foster parents of that.

Well, there's still much work for me to do... I'm still an Engineer too, after all. End Log.

It is hard for me to accurately describe how I am feeling at this very moment. Many different emotions are souring through me, but I don't know what to do with them. Although I cannot grasp these feelings exactly, I do know what caused them: Helen.

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