Personal Log: Ben Versteegt

While nuclear, chemical and biological warfare is plunging Uhuhland into oblivion, the government of Philosophers Inc -- true to its nature -- still debates what course of action to take, if any.

The government has agreed that it is "very sorry" for all that has happened here, especially because the war seemed to start when the Chemical Engineers dumped toxic waste on the beaches of our nation. In response to that, the nation of Total 'n Utter Insanity delivered an (uncalled for by the government of Philosophers Inc) ultimatum to CE, which the latter disregarded. This led to war, dragging other nations into the conflict as well.

Philosophers Inc has thus far remained "reasonably neutral", according to spokesperson M. Jones. However, it is "no secret that the government fiercely and vehemently opposes the use of any kind of violence and/or force" against any nation whatsoever. "We deeply regret the loss of life," said the President during a tea-break in the debate, "accompanied by feelings of remorse and guilt for having been unable to stop the violence." He took a deep breath before continuing. "It is our hope that the leaders of the now war-torn nations will find the time and the wisdom to end hostilities now and try to resolve the issue in the Court of Justice."

The government has currently finished debating the philosophical issues about the phrase "nuclear war" and has moved on to discuss whether or not this chain of events was unavoidable, or whether it was truly necessary in all possible worlds or not. The Minister of Metaphysics has reportedly claimed that there is no use in continuing to fight if the war was part of some grand plan, and was thus necessary. He was countered by the Secretary of External Affairs who said that such a position would only bring about defeatism.

Just then, the debate was brought to a halt when a teacup crashed through one of the many windows of the government's debating hall. Outside, many protesters were flinging teacups -- some of them even filled with tea -- at the building. And it is a common known fact that whenever protesters fling teacups (or worse, tea) at the government building, things are serious. Dead serious.

"There is a time for philosophy, and there is a time for action!" shouted one of the protestors at the angry crowd. "This is a time for action if I've ever seen one. We demand that the government finally takes action!" This statement was met with loud cheers, while the government inside grew more nervous.

"It's just plain wrong what TnUI is doing, can't you see that?" shouted the protestors' spokesperson. "What makes you all think we're not the next target of their insane rage?"

"But we don't even have a military!" the Secretary of Defense shouted back from behind one of the broken windows. "We don't have enough manpower or equipment to even defend our borders, let alone invade another country, if that's what you're suggesting."

The crowds suddenly parted to reveal a large group of people, all carrying pitchforks and torches. "We are the Large Mob of Angry Philosophers!" their leader, James Ross, shouted. "We will defend this beautiful nation for ye. If TnUI invades, we'll give 'em hell!"

Inside the debating hall, there was a chorus of surprised and some even scared voices. The government was momentarily in shock, but soon recovered. "A group of decisive philosophers?" said the Secretary of Logic and Language Philosophy. "That must be a contradiction in terms."

"You know, this could be the answer to our problems," said the Secretary of Defense. "We will finally have an army to guard our borders."

"You are right," said the President. "Desperate times like these call for desperate measures. We will send in the LAMP to guard our borders and to, as mister Ross has so eloquently put it, 'give 'em hell' if the TnUI decides to try anything."

And so it was decided... more or less. After another few hours of debating, the LAMP was dispatched to the southern borders of Philosophers Inc, to take up position there and wait for the next move of TnUI.

Inspired by their incredible decisiveness, the government managed to decide even more. Nuclear bunkers will be built, which will hopefully protect at least a portion of the population against nuclear radiation, should any radiation from the impact sites of other nations drift towards Philosophers Inc. They can also be used to seek shelter if TnUI decides to attack our nation.

"Philosophers Inc does not approve of TnUI's decision to attack," said the president in a press conference which has just ended now. "We strongly despise the use of any violence. We urge every nation currently dragged into this war to stop what they are doing and reflect on their actions. War does not bring a country to justice. The Court of Justice does. We implore you, warring nations, to not shut off diplomatic channels. We can solve these issues the peaceful way. Enough damage has been done already!"

The President had to excuse himself, for he could no longer look at the situation in Uhuhland without breaking into tears. He -- and with him, the entire population of Philosophers Inc -- hopes that his plea for peace has not fallen on deaf ears.

Following Ariddia's example, airplanes have dropped food packets in the areas of Uhuhland that need our help. The President himself has been in contact with The Common commons, and has offered any help that they need, including various shipments of tea, since The Common commons' tea supply is in danger of turning radioactive.

Meanwhile, the LAMP remains on the highest alert, and its pitchforks are aimed at potential aggressors. Self-proclaimed General Ross commented, "This will make any potential invader think twice about invading! We got our pitchforks ready for 'em!"

Categories: Philosophers Inc