Personal Log: Ben Versteegt

Why did she do it? Why? I know it's silly and probably even crazy that I'm not over it, but in the spirits' sakes, why? She told me that she didn't know if she was ready for a relationship... Well, I've seen how ready she was. Only a few hours after turning me down, she started a relationship with that... that... Vok!

I suppose I need to calm down. But I don't want to calm down, dammit! Sorry, I shouldn't let myself go like that. It really pains me, though, to see Jessica and Vok together, when she could have been with me. I... I don't know, I just feel... jealous, I guess. Angry, mostly. After our breakfast together, when she rejected me, I knew I had made a mistake, and I keep going over everything I've said to her. I have come to the conclusion that if I simply said different things, Jessica Truesdale would now be with me instead of with Vok. If only I behaved differently, said other things...

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Who am I kidding. It wouldn't have made a difference at all. She still would have gone to Vok and they still would have been together. It's just... I can't stop going over our conversation in my head. It's like I *need* to think about it. Maybe it's because during that conversation, all options still seemed open, while they actually weren't. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that Jessica betrayed me. She betrayed me! Saying she wasn't sure about being ready for a relationship... Hah! I don't believe for one nanosecond that she wasn't sure about that. Actually, the worst part isn't even that she and I didn't get a relationship. The worst part is that she didn't tell me the true reasons for rejecting me. She betrayed me!

Now look what I've done. I've almost thrown this computer to the floor. I really need to watch what I'm doing. Calm. I need to be calm.

My thoughts are chaos, and so is this log, probably. I need to calm down for sure, otherwise bad things might happen. I need to order my thoughts... But I can't get Jessica out of my mind. She is so... so beautiful, and even after what she has done to me, I can't stop loving her. In fact, I believe I have grown to love her even more during the last few days. Is that a bad thing? If it is, how can that be? How can love be a bad thing? Even though it brings me this much pain, I keep loving her? How can that love be bad if it exists despite all possible setbacks?

I don't know the question to that answer, nor do I think I'll know in the near future, or ever for that matter. I can't stop thinking about Jessica... I need to clear my mind. A shower. Yes, that's precisely what I need. A shower and a good meal. After that... I don't know what I'll do after that. I have this burning desire to see Jessica, to tell her that I still love her, but... I can't. I simply cannot go to her. It would hurt the both of us too much.

Too much thought. My brain is going to explode if this keeps up. I need to calm down. Maybe get some more rest, although that will make me think again. I wish I knew what to do. I cannot keep this up -- my love for her is tearing me apart. And what's more... I doubt it's ever going to go away.

This is Mphilo Morabulu,
Ending Log.

Categories: ACEO Mphilo Morabulu